A pastor goes to a nursing home to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.

As they continue their conversation, he can’t help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty.

He says, “Mrs. Jones, I’m so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts.”

That’s okay,” she says. “They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put ’em back in the bowl.”

Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three

I was married to a widow, who was as pretty as can be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter, a girl with hair of red.

My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my Dad my son-in-law, and changed my married life,

For my daughter was my mother now, ’cause she was my Father’s wife.

To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,

I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,

And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad…

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother

To the widow’s grown-up daughter, who of course was my stepmother.

My father’s wife then had a son that kept him on the run,

And he became my grandchild, ’cause he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mother, and it makes me blue

Because, although she is my wife, she is my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild

And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild —

This has got to be the strangest thing that I ever saw:

As husband of my grandmother, I am my own Grandpa!

Dialogue (two young English ladies, one slightly daft: you figure out which one!):

A.	You know that stuff that they’re selling now at the local shop?
B.	Which stuff?
A.	“I can’t believe it’s not butter!”
B.	Hmm. Oh, yes.
A.	Well, you know, I can’t believe it’s not butter.
B.	Well, yes, I believe that IS the idea.
A.	Then yesterday I went to the grocery, and I bought this other stuff, like a home brand.
B.	Yessssss.
A.	And, you know, I can’t believe it’s not “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”
B.	Hmmm. I’m losing you now.
A.	Well… you know “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”
B.	Yes, yes. You think it IS butter.
A.	No… no. I mean, you know the stuff that I can’t believe is not butter is called “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”
B.	Probably, yes… Yes!
A.	Well, I can’t believe that stuff that is NOT “I can’t believe it’s not butter!” is not “I can’t believe it’s not butter!” And I can’t believe that both the stuff that IS “I can’t believe it’s not butter!” AND the stuff that is NOT “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are both in fact not butter. And… I believe they may in fact both BE butter… in a cunning disguise. And in fact there’s a lot more butter around that we all thought there was.
B.	Yes… I see.

Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally-conscious, socially-responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice period, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious and secular persuasions and traditions of others, and with further respect for the choice of others, if so they choose, not to practice any religious or secular tradition whatsoever.

Furthermore, please accept our hope for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the imminent onset of the generally accepted renewal of the calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures — whose contributions to society have helped make America great. (This must not be taken to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country, nor that it is the only “America” in the Western Hemisphere.) Finally, such hope is offered without regard to the race, creed, color, age, country of origin, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wished.

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This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishee.

A young man who was a keen but amateurish guitarist wanted to help serve his church — so he offered to lead the worship.

Afterwards, one of the elders came up to him and thanked him for his efforts. He also stated that he was pleased to see that the young man was fulfilling a scriptural injunction.

“What’s that?” the young man asked, ” ‘Make a joyful noise to the Lord’?”

“No,” said the elder, ” ‘Let not your right hand know what your left hand is doing.’ “

The folly of trying to interpret spiritual realities with the carnal mind is illustrated by a story that is told about a debate between the Pope and a rabbi. According to the story, in the Middle Ages, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the city of Rome. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a theological debate with any person selected by the Jewish community. If their representative won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave Rome forever.

The Jews realized they had no choice. They looked around for a learned champion who could defend their faith, but no one was willing to volunteer. No one felt that he could equal the Pope’s vast knowledge and overwhelming eloquence. Finally they picked a man to represent them — an old rabbi named Moshe who was well past his prime and now spent his time sweeping the synagogue. Being old and slightly addled, he thought he had less to lose, and so he agreed. He asked only for one condition for the debate. Not being an eloquent man like the Pope, and not being proficient in Latin, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute without making a move. Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moshe looked back at him sadly, shook his head, and raised one finger. The Pope waved his arms in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat. Then the Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe brought out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.” An hour later, the cardinals gathered around the Pope to find out what happened. The Pope said, “I’ve never met a man with such keen spiritual and theological insight. No matter what I said, he had an answer that reminded me of how little I really know. First I held up three fingers to assert that God was to be found through the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that, even though He has manifested Himself in many ways, there is still only one God, and we both know His name. Then I waved my arms around me to show him that the greatness of God is written in the heavens. He responded by pointing to the ground, reminding me that God is in the midst of us through the presence of His Spirit. I pulled out the sacramental wine and wafer to show him that God’s Son absolves us from our sins. But he pulled out an apple to remind me that God has been dealing with sin as far back as the garden of Eden. He had an answer for everything! I cannot ask people with such deeply spiritual leadership to leave Rome. They can stay!”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moshe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their young, eloquent scholars had insisted was impossible! “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moshe, “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of town. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.” “And then?” asked a woman. “I don’t know,” said Moshe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine, and it was all over.”

The first time I ever presided at a sizable interecclesial gathering, I was a young brother, about 25, and I had the task of giving a welcome and an introduction to the classes that would follow, and presiding at the opening class period.

After much hustle and bustle, we were all ready to go; it was 9 am on a Saturday morning, and there were about 100 or so in attendance. I had my carefully prepared program and notes for my comments and introduction.

Everything was set — except for one thing. The speaker for the first class was late. And so we waited — which didn’t help my nerves at all! Finally, after 10 or 15 minutes, the speaker arrived. Car trouble and a wrong turn (this was a new campsite, and unfamiliar to some — so understandable).

But, now another delay. The speaker had a very large, very tall chart that needed to be affixed to the wall behind the speaker’s podium. This was done with the help of a couple of tall brothers, standing on chairs, and using a lot of masking tape while the increasingly restless audience continued to wait. So finally, after what seemed like an eternity (but was probably only about 20 minutes), we were ready to start.

By now, I had been mentally reviewing my carefully prepared notes —

realizing that I should cut them, due to the time constraints. So I was trying to do this in my mind, as I strode to the podium. “Good morning, brothers and sisters,” I began — when suddenly the whole wall chart collapsed, from the top down. It remained affixed to the wall at the bottom, but slowly the top portion collapsed forward until it had completely covered me as well as the podium where I stood. It was as thought the lights had gone out!

There were a few gasps and giggles. And there I stood. What was the prescribed method for dealing with this? I stood there sort of hoping that all would decide, on their own, to get up and leave. I waited a bit, but I heard no movement. I peeked around the edge of the chart, which was still lying across the podium. No, everyone was still there — probably waiting to see what the next “act” was going to be.

Now what? I finally decided that I couldn’t just remain there, hiding under the chart. So I gathered together all my notes, stooped down, and slid sideways like a crab, out from under the chart, until I was free and clear. “Brothers and sisters, we now call upon brother ______” and then I made a hasty retreat for a chair.

Cats do what they want.

They rarely listen to you.

They’re totally unpredictable.

When you want to play, they want to be alone.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They expect you to cater to their every whim.

They’re moody.

They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.

They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to play.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: Dogs are tiny men in little fur coats!

One of the most famous baseball comedy acts to ever take place was the following humorous exchange between Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. The words alone cannot do it justice, but it is still quite funny to read. The skit was originally done on the radio live (each and every time) until the legendary duo later included it in a movie.

The general premise behind the exchange has Costello, a peanut vendor named Sebastion Dinwiddle, talking to Abbott who is Dexter Broadhurt, the manager of the mythical St. Louis Wolves. However, before Costello can get behind the plate, Abbott wants to make sure he knows everyone’s name on the team…

A Word-for-Word Transcript

Abbott:	All right, now whaddya want?
Costello:	Now look, I’m the head of the sports department. I gotta know the baseball players’ names. Do you know the guys’ names?
Abbott:	Oh sure.
Costello:	So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.
Abbott:	Well, I’ll introduce you to the boys. You know sometimes nowadays they give ballplayers peculiar names.
Costello:	You mean funny names.
Abbott:	Nicknames, pet names, like Dizzy Dean —
Costello:	His brother Daffy —
Abbott:	Daffy Dean —
Costello:	And their French cousin!
Abbott:	Who’s that?
Costello:	Goo-fay Dean!
Abbott:	Goofay, huh? Now let’s see. We have on the bags — we have: Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third.
Costello:	That’s what I wanna find out.
Abbott:	I say: Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third —
Costello:	You know the fellows’ names?
Abbott:	Certainly!
Costello:	Well then who’s on first?
Abbott:	Yes!
Costello:	I mean the fellow’s name!
Abbott:	Who!
Costello:	The guy on first!
Abbott:	Who!
Costello:	The first baseman!
Abbott:	Who!
Costello:	The guy playing first!
Abbott:	Who is on first!
Costello:	Now whaddya askin’ me for?
Abbott:	I’m telling you Who is on first.
Costello:	Well, I’m asking YOU who’s on first!
Abbott:	That’s the man’s name.
Costello:	That’s who’s name?
Abbott:	Yes.
Costello:	Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott:	Who.
Costello:	The guy on first.
Abbott:	Who!
Costello:	The first baseman.
Abbott:	Who is on first!
Costello:	Have you got a contract with the first baseman?
Abbott:	Absolutely.
Costello:	Who signs the contract?
Abbott:	Well, naturally!
Costello:	When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott:	Every dollar. Why not? The man’s entitled to it.
Costello:	Who is?
Abbott:	Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello:	Who’s wife?
Abbott:	Yes.
Costello:	All I’m tryin’ to find out is what’s the guy’s name on first base.
Abbott:	Oh, no — wait a minute, don’t switch ’em around. What is on second base.
Costello:	I’m not askin’ you who’s on second.
Abbott:	Who is on first.
Costello:	I don’t know.
Abbott:	He’s on third — now we’re not talkin’ ’bout him.
Costello:	Now, how did I get on third base?
Abbott:	You mentioned his name!
Costello:	If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say is playing third?
Abbott:	No — Who’s playing first.
Costello:	Never mind first — I wanna know what’s the guy’s name on third.
Abbott:	No — What’s on second.
Costello:	I’m not askin’ you who’s on second.
Abbott:	Who’s on first.
Costello:	I don’t know.
Abbott:	He’s on third.
Costello:	Aaah! Would you please stay on third base and don’t go off it?
Abbott:	What was it you wanted?
Costello:	Now who’s playin’ third base?
Abbott:	Now why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello:	Why? Who am I putting over there?
Abbott:	Yes. But we don’t want him there.
Costello:	What’s the guy’s name on third base?
Abbott:	What belongs on second.
Costello:	I’m not askin’ you who’s on second.
Abbott:	Who’s on first.
Costello:	I don’t know.
Abbott & Costello:	THIRD BASE!
Costello:	You got an outfield?
Abbott:	Oh yes!
Costello:	The left fielder’s name?
Abbott:	Why.
Costello:	I don’t know, I just thought I’d ask you.
Abbott:	Well, I just thought I’d tell you.
Costello:	All right, then tell me who’s playin’ left field.
Abbott:	Who is playing first…
Costello:	STAY OUTTA THE INFIELD! I wanna know what’s the left fielder’s name.
Abbott:	What’s on second.
Costello:	I’m not askin’ you who’s on second.
Abbott:	Who’s on first.
Costello:	I don’t know.
Abbott & Costello:	THIRD BASE!
Costello:	Tell me the left fielder’s name.
Abbott:	Why.
Costello:	Because!
Abbott:	Oh, he’s center field.
Costello:	Look, you got a pitcher on this team?
Abbott:	Now wouldn’t this be a fine team without a pitcher.
Costello:	Tell me the pitcher’s name.
Abbott:	Tomorrow.
Costello:	You don’t wanna tell me today?
Abbott:	I’m tellin’ you now.
Costello:	Then go ahead.
Abbott:	Tomorrow.
Costello:	What time?
Abbott:	What time what?
Costello:	What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s pitching?
Abbott:	Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on first…
Costello:	I’ll break your arm if you say who’s on first. I wanna know what’s the pitcher’s name.
Abbott:	What’s on second.
Costello:	I don’t know.
Abbott & Costello:	THIRD BASE!
Costello:	You got a catcher?
Abbott:	Oh, absolutely.
Costello:	Tell me the catcher’s name.
Abbott:	Today.
Costello:	Today. And Tomorrow’s pitching.
Abbott:	Now you’ve got it.
Costello:	All we’ve got is a couple of days on the team.
Abbott:	Well, I can’t help that.
Costello:	Well, I’m a catcher too.
Abbott:	I know that.
Costello:	Now suppose that I’m catching, Tomorrow’s pitching on my team and their heavy hitter gets up.
Abbott:	Yes.
Costello:	Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbott:	Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.
Costello:	I don’t even know what I’m talkin’ about!
Abbott:	Well, that’s all you have to do.
Costello:	Is to throw the ball to first base?
Abbott:	Yes.
Costello:	Now who’s got it?
Abbott:	Naturally!
Costello:	If I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s gotta catch it. Now who caught it?
Abbott:	Naturally!
Costello:	Who caught it?
Abbott:	Naturally.
Costello:	Who?
Abbott:	Naturally!
Costello:	Naturally.
Abbott:	Yes.
Costello:	So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott:	NO, NO, NO! You throw the ball to first base and who gets it?
Costello:	Naturally.
Abbott:	That’s right. There we go.
Costello:	So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott:	You don’t!
Costello:	I throw it to who?
Abbott:	Naturally.
Costello:	THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING!
Abbott:	You’re not saying it that way.
Costello:	I said I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott:	You don’t — you throw the ball to Who?
Costello:	Naturally!
Abbott:	Well, say that!
Costello:	THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING! I throw the ball to who?
Abbott:	Naturally.
Costello:	Ask me.
Abbott:	You throw the ball to Who?
Costello:	Naturally.
Abbott:	That’s it.
Costello:	SAME AS YOU!! I throw the ball to first base and who gets it?
Abbott:	Naturally!
Costello:	Who has it?
Abbott:	Naturally!
Costello:	HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don’t Know, I Don’t Know throws it back to Tomorrow — triple play.
Abbott:	Yes.
Costello:	Another guy gets up — it’s a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don’t know. He’s on third and I don’t give a darn!
Abbott:	What was that?
Costello:	I said I don’t give a darn!
Abbott:	Oh, that’s our shortstop.